fac ut gaudeam ★

Kidd,

You were all I ever wanted.

If you were here, I know you’d know what to do. If you were still here, none of this would happen. I know you’d do everything in your power to protect me from anything ugly.

I miss you

If I could turn back time, I would do things better. I would get in your brain and punch your cancer to death. I would take it out so you’d recover. So you didn’t have to die. So you didn’t have to be in pain. So I didn’t have to see you in that hospital bed with tubes like tunnels crawling on your face

I miss you,

most importantly I miss you. more than anything in this world. if I could leave this all behind, I would go to Perth I would go to the streets you’ve walked I would use the phonebooth you used to call me, I would go to the convenience store we went to buy Vanilla Coke for the last time

it was your favorite drink, remember?

I still have your stuff in my room and people still ask me how I feel about you. all i want to tell them is to shut the fuck up because everytime they ask me, i feel telling them to fuck off and just leave me alone. why do they need to know how i am doing if they can’t bring you back?

fuck the whole world, i just want to be with you

i’m sorry i’m not strong enough like i promised you i would be. i can’t help it. i still fall to pieces when i see your picture and now it’s getting harder because i went to the doctor and he said “you’re moderately depressed” and prescribed me pills i never thought i would have to take and i can’t sleep and i don’t want to eat and even no matter how long i stay in bed i’m still tired

this hopelessness, this guilt, i may have picked them up along the sideway when i was walking alone thinking about you.

god knows even after a year, even after all those people who tried reaching out to me, offered me to see the light again, even after all these days God delivering happy news in between, i can’t help feeling sad

none of this means anything to me without you

even a salvation can't fix me.

I didn’t expect I would end up here my tongue reacts to no taste and my eyes had drawn the curtains plugging out the sun for me to cast no shadow

I feel like I go through every doors in rooms with no windows only to find that the light ̶ it has disappeared.

Sleep is no longer a privilege because it has escaped along with my appetite and along with the desire to execute anything pleasurable

Life has become a responsibility my parents had given me instead of a gift when I slid out of the womb.

If I could reverse it all trust me, I would. And now I am envious of my late grandmother who went to bed and never woke up because it was there where she found her perfect sleep. A final, uninterrupted beautiful slumber I am now longing to have

Every day I wake up to the slowing down of the heart and I can’t save it I can’t make it beat to the same rhythm because it is breaking because it is too sad.

I didn’t expect I would end up here I can’t remember how I got into this hole but if I could reverse it all trust me, I would.